Santana's Journal
by Niall Stylinson
Summary: Santana keeps a journal over the month of January, and shares her thoughts on love, and her feelings about a new boy in her life. AU College Glee. Finntana.


January 4, 2012  
><em>Love is stupid. Did love even exist? How can you really tell the different bewteen love and lust? Love and true love? How can you tell if someone's your soulmate? Is it even true that everyone has a soulmate? I don't buy it. So many people end up lonely. Where's their soulmate? Love is a joke. It's just something people who have someone special in their lives talk about, and people who are desperate for that someone talk about. I'm not desperate, and I don't let people close enough to be that special someone for me. I don't want anyone. I'm good on my own. I have friends to make me happy, and I'm always down for one night stands when I need some.<em>

_And speaking of one night stands, I met this hot guy today. I didn't sleep with him, but next time I'm horny, he's number one on my list. His name's Winn or Ben or something that ryhmed with that. Sam introduced us when I busted into his room during his study group. Winn/Ben was in the study group, by the way. Sam introduced me to some other people, too. But Winn/Ben is the only one that I cared about. What a hottie._

January 6, 2012  
><em>Sam gave Finn (not Winn or Ben) my number. He asked about me apparantly. I'm glad he did it, because I wasn't about to. I don't ask about, I get asked about. And I get asked out, which is what Finn did. Technically, it's not a date. Me, him, Sam, and Sam's 'girlfriend' Quinn (I say 'girlfriend' because she's too pretty for that guppy face and I'm pretty positive he's a homosexual) are going to some carnival thing tomorrow. Sam said Finn had to bring someone so he wouldn't feel like a third wheel, so he chose me. Maybe it is a date. I don't know I don't really like labels.<em>

January 8, 2012  
><em>Sam isn't gay. Finn and I caught him and Quinn getting it on behind the corndog booth. Gross. I mean, good for Sam for actually finding a girl to do him, but my eyes are still burning. Finn tried to hold my hand. I slapped it away - it was a reflex. Things were a little awkward for awhile after that. But then Finn said he wanted a corndog and that brought back memories of catching Sam and Quinn, so we laughed and things were good. And then I did let him kiss me when he dropped me back at my dorm. He didn't try to come in or anything, which I found both surprising, sweet, and upsetting. Because like I said when I first met him. He's a hottie.<em>

January 13, 2012  
><em>I saw the grossest thing today. Finn and I (we've been spending a lot of time together these past couple of days, we haven't had sex unfortunately, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually, at least I hope) were walking to the library and this couple was having like a fucking picnic by the fountain. What the hell? This is a school. No one wants to see you feeding each other and kissing and giggling together. Finn thought it was sweet. I rolled my eyes at him. He's really into all that lovey dovey stuff. Which I guess is pretty endearing. He's actually really nice, and a great kisser. His hands are nice, too. Yes, I admit, I held his hand. And yeah, it felt fan-fucking-tastic. I think he thinks we're like, a couple now. I should probably tell him we're not. I don't like being someone's girlfriend. We can have sex and I'll let him hold my hand occasionally if he feels the need to, but only if we have sex. Which we're not yet.<em>

January 18, 2012  
><em>We're a couple. We talked about it a litte bit, had sex (as amazing and sexy as I thought it'd be), and then I decided that sure, maybe Finn would be an alright boyfriend. If I had to describe the kind of guy I might fall in love with him, it'd be him. BUT - I don't love him. That's stupid. Love is stupid. I still don't think it exists. I like Finn. I lust for Finn because he's a hot piece of man candy. I like talking to Finn because he makes me laugh. I like spending time with Finn because he sometimes makes these faces without even realizing it, I can't describe them well, but he'll, like, scruch up his nose and his dimples show - and he's adorable. I don't love him though. That idea is just... stupid.<em>

January 23, 2012  
><em>Is it possible for one person to change your entire aspect on love? If so, is this person more than likely your soulmate? Can you meet your soulmate when you're only a junior in college? If a certain boy, let's call him Finn if we have to name him, makes your heart beat ridiculously fast, gives you butterflies, makes you feel like a new, better person, and just makes you feel happier than you've ever been... does that mean you love him? If so, then I love Finn Hudson. But let's not going around telling anyone that... especially Hudson.<em>

"Santana, will you stop attacking your keyboard?"

"What?" Santana snapped out of her thoughts, and slammed her laptop shut, pushing it to the edge of the bed.

Finn laughed at her and took another swig from his beer. "You invite me over to watch a movie and you spend the first ten minutes typing on that thing."

"Sorry," she said, a smile on her face because of the sound of his laugh.

He twirled the remote control around in his hand, eyeing her. "Can I hit play on the movie or do you want to keep writing your novel there?"

"Oh, hit play." She playfully hit him in the side of the arm, and he lifted that arm up so she could cuddle up to his side. His big arm wrapped around her shoulders and she felt safe. She felt warm. She felt loved... she probably wanted to make sure words like that didn't slip out.

They watched the movie almost in complete silence, except for when one of them had to point out something dumb one of the characters did. They both liked to do that.

Santana didn't know why she'd chosen some romantic comedy as their movie of the night. With the way she was feeling, and her not wanting those feelings to get out, she should have chosen a movie about penguins or something.

The 'big scene' of the movie was on the screen now, when the boy was confessing his love for his best friend, and Finn suddenly hit pause. He didn't say anything for a second before lifting a finger to Santana's chin and turning her head so that he could kiss her. She didn't object to this at all. She wouldn't admit it, but she was actually pretty into the lame movie. Kissing Finn was way better though. She was curious to see what happened though...

She was grinning when they pulled apart. "What was that for?" she asked.

"I need to tell you something. And I don't know how you're going to react," he said. She scanned his eyes for any sign of what he was going to say, but couldn't read him. Which was weird because she usually knew what he was thinking just by glancing at him.

"What is it?" she asked.

"I..." he stopped and cleared this throat. "I know how you feel about relationships. You've made it really clear to me how you feel. But... that's where you and I differ. You don't believe in them, you think they're lame, but I don't. I believe in all that 'true love garbage' as you describe it."

Santana didn't know what her heart was doing. It was about to jump out of her chest. Was he breaking up with her? In her own dorm? In the middle of a movie? She really hoped he didn't plan on finishing the movie with her. She'd kick his ass.

"I don't..." Santana started, but Finn brought his thumb to her lips, stopping her from speaking. He gently traced her bottom lip with his thumb. He smiled. He didn't seem like he was breaking up with her... Santana was just confused.

"Let me finish," he whispered. "I know you don't think love is real, but I do, and I love you, Santana. Whether you return the feelings or not, I love you and I think it's real and I -" She shut him up with a kiss. This idiot had her thinking she was getting dumped, almost caused her heart to explode, and then she felt like she was going to throw up - but in a good way.

She pulled away, a few long, very long seconds laters. She was smiling when she pulled away, but Finn looked confused.

"I thought-"

"I know. But... don't make me get too sappy here, Finn. I don't want to go on and on about how much I love you and how you changed my mind about love and soulmates and all that garbage." Finn was smiling now. "Just let me say, I love you, too. Alright?"

He nodded, and kissed her again.


End file.
